faithnhopenlove.com

June 24, 2009 at 6:56 am (Random Rambles) (, , , )

Red Skelton
Image by cdresz via Flickr

I have expanded into yet another blog. I really enjoy this blog, but I also needed to expand it more and get some extra breathing room I also needed to see if I might be able to add some income to my blogging habit.
While the income would be good, spreading faith and hope and love and encouragement quotes is really important to me.

I recently watched some CDs of the Red Skelton show. A friend’s father passed away and he brought over his dad’s collection. We were watching them, and the humor is great. Red Skelton was one of the early comic geniuses. I can see where he was imitated by the comics we enjoy now. However he brought good clean humor and fun to television. Was life that much simpler then?

At the end of his show, Red Skelton would tell the audience that if he brought some joy and humor into their life and if one day in the future something he did on his show would add a smile or a laugh to someone’s day then he would have felt that he did his job. He ended each show with “God Bless”. What a way to end your television show.

Well just as Red Skelton felt that way, I feel that way. Feel free to visit my other blog, too at faithnhopenlove.com

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Make A Pit Stop In The Rat Race

April 17, 2009 at 6:18 am (Motivation-Inspiration) (, , , , )

It is so easy to get caught up in the work-aholic world of the internet, if you are using it to market, or even as a communication tool to reach out to the world. When was the last time you went outside and found that there are birds singing and weeds breaking through the soil?
I live in the desert so anything breaking through the soil is appreciated for a few minutes anyway. Today’s greenery is tomorrow’s weed abatement notice. Unfortunately that is life when the government is needing more money any way they can get it.

I have been trying for the past few years to have an untamed area of my lot that is devoted to whatever wildflowers want to hang out there. It is improving. Do you know what a Mariposa is? Well I have some. I even got some pictures last year of them. I will have to find what I did with them. It is a rarer flower sort of like a poppy, but I am afraid that they are getting covered over with concrete as this area grows.

Sometimes it seems almost impossible to touch real nature, so we enjoy seeing some pictures of it on the internet. Then the skeptics among us wonder how they photo-shopped those images. Does that sound like you?

I challenge you to find some time in the next 3 months to get out there and brave the great outdoors. If you are laughing at me, it is ok. For some of us the only time we spend out in nature is the time spend walking to our car, and from our car into another building.

Earth day is coming up maybe we can all plant a tree or something, or walk instead of drive, or carpool, or just stay home that day and try not to pollute. I think staying home is a great idea. I better go see when Earth Day is. I might have missed it already. I better check on Bloggers Unite.

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Have You Taken This IQ Test?

March 6, 2009 at 7:09 pm (humor, Smile Makers) (, , , , , )

It seems no matter how many times I take this, I still manage to surprise myself with the results.

Dementia Quiz

Below are four (4 ) questions and a Bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing.
They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly ..
To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time; but instead, answer each of them immediately.

OK?

Let’s find out just how clever you really are….

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q’s and A’s )

First Question :

You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<
Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question :
I f you overtake the last person, then you are…?
(scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are ; ; ; ;WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??

You’re not very good at this, are you?

Third Question :
V ery tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator .
Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?

Scroll down for the correct answer…..

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100 ..

If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator!
To day is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you’ll get the last question right… Maybe…

Fourth Question:

Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ? ?? What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn’t.
Her name is Mary you retard! Read the question again!

Okay, now the Bonus round ,
I.e., a final chance to
Redeem yourself:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s really very simple
He opens his mouth and ask for it….

Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!

PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Have a nice day, one and all.

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A Redneck Love Poem

March 4, 2009 at 8:00 pm (Smile Makers) (, , )

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY ‘BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU’LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I’D JUST AS SOON YO’ MA DON’T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, ‘THERE’S TROUBLE STILL.’

YOU CAN’T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON’T TELL YO’ MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO’
I KNOW IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO’ HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN’T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
***************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don’t it?)

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The Gym Membership Gift~Funny!

February 21, 2009 at 8:58 pm (Smile Makers) (, , , , )

A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

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Lawyer Humor

February 17, 2009 at 5:39 pm (Political Humor) (, , , )

I got this in an email and it made me laugh. I hope you like it, too.

These are from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’ and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.

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My Random Post-It Notes Rhyme

October 5, 2008 at 7:33 am (Motivation-Inspiration) (, , , , , )

Hey if you are an English or Poetry major please do not grade this. This is for fun, and now it is shown as being published by me first. YAY. Well since I wrote it I guess it should be published by me first.

I like colorful post-it notes.
Aqua and Purple get my votes.
I work so much more than I play.
I write sticky notes every day.
Post it notes are everywhere.
I have more and I will share.
Do you like red or do you want blue?
I will make a sticky picture for you.
When I run out the supply room has more!
They are free for me-no trips to the store.
So stop by my desk and if I’m not there,
leave a sticky note by my chair.
I loves my post-its, I hope you do too.
If not then I guess this rhyme is through.
But if you love post-its like me,
You’re my friend for eternity.

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Who is Osama Obama?

October 3, 2008 at 1:45 pm (Random Rambles) (, , , )

Are things just too confusing in the world right now?  I work in a high school and two girls were being tutored in World History.  One of the girls said she does not like dictators like Hitler, Hussein, and Osama Obama. 

Sometimes it is really difficult to keep from laughing.  Gems from your kids!

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Joke: Love Story Gone Bad

August 16, 2008 at 5:00 am (Smile Makers) (, , )

Love

Love

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?’

Happy Mental Health day!

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Another Smarter Than A Pre-Schooler Quiz

July 28, 2008 at 7:49 am (Smile Makers) (, , , )

A PRE-SCHOOL TEST FOR YOU

Which way is the bus below traveling?
To the left or to the right?

Can’t make up your mind?


Look carefully at the picture again.

Still don’t know?

Pre-schoolers all over the United States
were shown this picture asked the same question.


90% of the pre-schooler’s gave this answer.


‘The bus is traveling to the left.’

When asked, ‘Why do you think the bus is traveling to the left?’

They answered:

‘Because you can’t see the door to get on the bus.’

How do you feel now ???


I know, me too.

Did you just have an “AH HA” Moment?

🙂

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